She has no idea what is happening to her. Her mind spins with thoughts. New ideas come so fast that she feels inspired hundreds of times a day. Words flow, the good and the bad in a poetic form begging her to write them down. Notebooks full of feelings pile up. Energy builds longing for release. Her mind runs away bringing her into her own world. She acts as if there are no consequences. She feels bulletproof. She is smart and creative. Her eyes sparkle with adventure and curiosity.
Eventually, the energy is too intense bringing paranoia and anxiety. She feels the whole world is against her. They want to take it all away. They watch her, and they know everything. Her never-ending thoughts create invisible connections providing evidence to support her paranoia. She trusts hardly anyone but is afraid to be alone.
One night, she sits with that uneasy feeling that she was being watched and followed. She becomes delusional deciding that she needs to escape. Desperate she drives home and spills out irrational ideas to her parents. Afraid, they hope this is a temporary event and make her sleep. The damage assessment takes place the next morning. Being with her parents allows her to talk through the fake and the real. That line is grey, and she argues her own logic against theirs. The thoughts, emotions and feelings become an unbearable confusion. She realizes she doesn’t understand anything and needs help.
The next few months, she remains in a manic induced hangover. Trying to separate her world from actual reality leaves her lost. She rides an emotional roller coaster and at points makes herself sick. She remains in a state of disbelief and denial. How could she lose her mind to the point where she doesn’t know what is real? One day, her doctor said, “That’s the thing, there are going to be points where you can’t trust your perception of reality.”
For her, this realization leads to pain and a complete loss of identity. She questions her every thought. The girl who is smart and sparkling transforms into a girl full of anger, sadness and doubt. What has happened and what can happen left her unable to move forward.
The inability to move forward creates a consent state of pain. She feels guilty and is unable to show herself compassion for her mistakes and loss of control. She fears the future. She mourns the person she thought she was. For a while, the overthinking almost creates an atmosphere of gloomy comfort. The overthinking makes her frozen and distracted. She must let go of the past and move on. She must find herself or else she’s not living life at all.
It has been almost a year, but she feels stronger. She embraces all her emotions as they come and go. She decides to incorporate her past into her future. The events she’s gone through make her who she is. She isn’t perfect, but no one is. She sets out to learn and fall in love with every part of herself. This is how she learned the lowest parts of life turn out to be the parts that make you live.